What's important in life? by Carrie Fleetwood

We’ve heard it said that at the end of one’s life, you never hear someone say “I wish I had worked more”.  For parents who are struggling with work/life balance, I would encourage you to set aside an hour with your spouse every so often to discuss your ‘family vision’.  Ask each other what is important for your family life to feel secure and strongly knit together.  A good barometer to test the ‘temperature’ of your family bond is to look at how well you play together, how often you can laugh together and how well you resolve conflict resulting in each person feeling listened to and valued. A great question for parents to ask themselves is when you look back 20 years from now, what will you remember fondly and what will you regret that you had done or not done?  It may seem like an overwhelming ‘assignment’ at times, especially when you find yourselves in the thick of soccer practices and music lessons and homework, but stopping long enough and having courage enough to ask this question could mean your kids will one day love to return to visit home.  Because then and now, home will be a refuge.

Great books....worth taking the time to read them! by Carrie Fleetwood

 I hope everyone enjoyed a good rest over the holidays. Okay, maybe not before Christmas, but after!? I've taken some time to read a couple of great books and just wanted to pass on the highlights. C.S.Lewis' 'Surprised By Joy', essentially his autobiography, reminded me how ...from great pain and adversity in childhood came one of the top intellects, writers and apologists of the Christian faith of the 20th century. A brilliant man, a fascinating read. 

Then a delightful book called 'A Woman and Her Relationships' by Canadian, Rosemary Flaaten: Rosemary gives a window into her own life as she shares honestly and humbly some of her own learning experiences as well as those of other women around her. Her main point is that by allowing God to fill your soul, you will see the difference in your personal relationships.  I've found in my own life and in other women's lives that I have worked with that relationships between women can be a delicate balancing act at worst, but can bring deep joy and lasting friendship when carefully nurtured with love, acceptance and forgiveness.  If you haven't read them, I recommend both of these books as a great read!   

Addictions: some self-help tips from Carrie

Addictions to substances or behaviours rob us of the energy we need for constructive living so I want to suggest some things to get you started on finding relief from them!

The first thing I strongly recommend with any addiction struggle is finding a local 12-step group and setting an appointment with a compassionate, local counsellor.  Attending groups like Alcoholics Anonymous – AA, Gamblers Anonymous – GA or Narcotics Anonymous – NA while working with a wise counsellor can help encourage you and spur you on to meeting your sobriety goals. If you are still trying to work at it on your own however, there are some interesting tips offered in the ‘Four Steps plus One’ plan highlighted by Dr. Maté in his book: In the Realm of the Hungry Ghosts (Canada: Vintage Canada, Random House Books 2008). His comments rest on earlier writing by Jeffrey M. Schwartz in his book Brain Lock, Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior (New York: Regan Books, 1996)

First step – Re-label: Change the label on the addictive behaviour from a ‘need’ to a ‘thought.’ The addiction feels urgent but call it what it is. As Maté says: “I don’t need to purchase anything or eat anything right now; I’m only having an obsessive thought, a false belief.” The re-labelling doesn't stop the urge but calling it ‘false’ is a first step in finding release.

Second step – Re-attribute: Blame the thoughts on your brain. It’s sent you a false message and don’t blame your ‘self’ for it. The compulsion is part of your brain’s current wiring but it’s not a comment on you as a person. There’s hope in letting something go that comes from outside you. The urge will come back but be weaker when you recognize it as coming from somewhere outside of the real you.

Third step – Re-focus: Buy yourself time. Find a way to get through the next 15 minutes after the urge strikes. Instead of driving to the casino turn on the TV, instead of buying music, get on the exercise bike and give the false thought time to pass. If 15 minutes is too long try for 9! The alternate has to be something you do enjoy but choosing it tells your brain that it does not have to obey the addiction call.

Fourth step – Re-value: Talk to yourself and be creative telling yourself the real value of the addictions. As Maté says -“What has this urge done for me? It has caused me to waste my money, my time, to stuff myself when I’m not hungry, be absent from the ones I love. It’s caused me to betray my true values and disregard my true goals.” You’re merely talking to yourself and the urges will return but you’re starting to ‘get off automatic and shift behavioral gears!’

The ‘Plus One’ step – Re-create: using the four steps brings moments of release and every bit of energy released can be used to create something new, something you really want. In those moments of freedom from the urges think about direction, write down your values, use your creativity and… make something new for yourself. Weed the garden, visit a friend, put out a bird feeder, oil the bike chain. Take action on a new you. Being human means you’ll stumble of course but then it’s time to get busy with the four steps again!
Sincerely Carrie

Gratitude, by Carrie Fleetwood

There's an old hymn that says "Count your blessings.  Name them one by one."  We've recently celebrated Thanksgiving and before October is out, I want to encourage you to make 'counting your blessings' or practising gratitude, a daily habit, not a once-a-year-on-the-second-weekend-of-October thing!  Being thankful for what we have and not focusing on what we may not have, makes for an attitude that can help us get through almost anything.  I'm not talking about 'denial' where we try to reconstruct reality.  I'm referring to genuine gratefulness for all that we have.  I'm thinking of the biographies of Terry Waite (the British humanitarian who was held hostage for six years in the Middle East, much of the time in solitary confinement, often chained to his bed), how thankful he was

for the little children's book and later a prayerbook he was allowed to keep: his only possession for many months; and of Corrie Ten Boom (a concentration camp survivor, thanking God for the lice that infested their barrack because it meant that the prison guards would leave them alone).  I'm also thinking of how we are better off than about 3/4 of the rest of the world! So, for example, when you crawl into bed tonight...instead of worrying about whether you are going to get a good sleep, when your head hits the pillow be thankful for it (yes, the pillow)!  And then be thankful for the blankets and the mattress, and the furnace etc.  In other words, instead of comparing yourself to others who seem to have what you want, think of the many others in the world who have less than you.  This is 'glass half-full' vs. 'glass half-empty' thinking.  If you are not in the habit of practising this type of thinking, you just might be suffering mentally and emotionally.  Again, I'm not talking about denial...if something is wrong in your life, minimizing it will not make it get better or go away. That will require some well-planned action steps.  However, to make a daily practice of gratitude, try looking around you and finding several things that you can be thankful for.  Take some deep breaths as you do this and you will feel stronger, less stressed, and a smile just might come to your face even on a difficult day!   

The Art of Apology by Carrie Fleetwood

How are you at apologizing?  I find that there are a number of different 'styles' of apologizing.

There's the person who apologizes too easily and too often and probably takes responsiblity for more than

their true share of the problem.  Then of course there's the person who is never wrong and never 

apologizes for anything...it's always the other person's fault.  Then, there's the 'fake' apologizer whose

'sorry' is really saying 'get off my back'...'I hate conflict, let's just shut this down'. Hopefully you find yourself

somewhere in the middle of these extremes...but here's a few quick tips: 

1) Always try to find some part in the conflict that is truly yours even if you 

can't admit to everything the person is accusing you of.

2) Listen first for the content of the message someone is giving you even if you don't 

like their 'delivery', i.e. their tone. When the conflict is settled, address the tone. 

3) Don't give a 'conditional' apology i.e. if you will apologize for this then I will for that...

4) If you said/did something that was wrong, be quick to admit it.  Don't make someone have to drag it

out of you.

5) If you said/did something wrong in response to someone else's wrong, admit it.  But then, let them know that they also said/did a wrong.

6) If someone isn't ready to apologize to you, let them know that they hurt you and that it would help you rebuild trust in your relationship if they would apologize...then walk away and let them think about it.

7) If you've done a 'biggie'...really embarrassed or betrayed trust, make sure you ask forgiveness in your apology...don't demand it...be vulnerable enough to ask for it and not assume it will come immediately.  Broken trust requires visible and reliable change and time to prove it's real. 

8) If you're a parent, and have never apologized to your children,  bless them by finding the courage to admit where you went wrong (we all do).

For more ideas on apology, you might want to check out Gary Chapman's book:  The Five Languages of Apology

Finally, if apology doesn't come easy for you, start now, practice makes it get easier!

Family Day and Valentine's by Carrie Fleetwood

Hope everyone has enjoyed some time today hanging out with family. With Valentine's Day last week and Family Day today, thought I would share some thoughts on good communication skills for strengthening these precious relationships! These are just a few tips to get you started:

1) Decide to be slow to speak and quick to listen.

2) Learn to listen 'between the lines' i.e. don't get hung up on a few words that you didn't like hearing, but listen for the 'spirit of the message'.

3) Use your emotions as only one piece of information and learn to express your emotions in words, not in intensity, and never using profanity.

4) Use 'I' statements, i.e. I feel 'x' when you do 'y'....'I feel hurt when you tease me in front of the family'.

5) Avoid using the words 'always' or 'never'.

6) Don't make assumptions that you know what the other person is trying to say...always check out assumptions before responding.

7) Clarify anything that could possibly be taken more than one way.

8) Show respect for your family member by showing that whatever they are trying to say is important to you. i.e. If you don't agree 100% with what you are hearing, rather than dismissing something, try to look for the percentage that you can agree with.

9) Always consider that you could be wrong.

10) Ladies: don't assume that if he doesn't do what you want or need, that he doesn't love you, and when confronting him, always speak the truth from an attitude of love. Men: try to get out of your head (logic) and into your heart...to understand and validate her feelings.

Hope that's a good start. Most of these are simple and straight forward, but not easy to do, so keep on trying!

Sincerely,

Carrie

Christmas Blues, by Carrie Fleetwood

Christmas is a time where we celebrate Jesus, food, family, friends, gifts, the imaginary chubby red-coated-gift-bearing-chimney-sweeping guy, ... but for many,
it can be a time that seems to emphasize their loneliness, their losses, and their disappointments in life. Perhaps Christmas in your family of origin was full of tension and strife.  Maybe life was hard enough day to day without the added stress of a holiday season and conflict only increased and expectations for peace and joy evaporated. Or, you've recently lost someone dear to you, or it's the first Christmas with the family divided by divorce, or the list could be endless. Whatever your pain, watching everyone else around you celebrating and having a 'gay ole time' can turn your Christmas into a downer. You feel depressed and worse than you do
the rest of the year! So just a couple of tips for the holiday blues: First, find someone who is a good listener, a safe friend, and share your feelings and bad memories with them as soon as possible so as to get them said and 'overwith' (okay, I know they're never really over, but when you share the pain, it's like letting some steam out of the boiling pot). Then, make sure you have realistic expectations and don't hope for something impossible. i.e. if your father has been drunk every holiday, or your mother has been controlling and obsessive, chances are likely that this one won't be any different. Next, set good boundaries i.e. if you really don't want to spend long at a relative's house because they are hard to be around, have a plan to exit and somewhere else to go. Finally, spend some time reflecting on the real reason for the season. There wouldn't be Christmas without the One who came as the first and greatest gift, and all the hype of tinsel and mistletoe and bulging creditcard bills is only what our western culture has done to it. Reflect on the Prince of Peace and your heart will change. Remember, you can't change others anyway, so start with yourself and if you want to try a great read that will help you do both, ask for Changes That Heal, (by Henry Cloud) for Christmas.
Joy and peace to you all,

Sincerely,

Carrie